The Christmas season tends to bring along a ton of stress, so this year I’m realigning my thoughts toward joy in this Christmas Contemplation.  There are so many possible ways to spend your limited time and inevitably you will miss out on something, even if you try to cram everything in.

Through the last four years, I’ve worked to reduce the stress created by travel, weather, and jam-packed time with limited personal space.  This article is for those who travel for the season to spend time with extended family in make-shift sleeping spaces.

The fundamental stressors:

1. Lack of time
2. Packed schedules
3. Lack of personal space or control of my environment
4. Expense of travel and gifts
5. Lack of deep connections

The real goals:

1. Build deeper connections with family
2. Maintain our personal health

My personal situation:

I’m single and have lived several hours away from my family for decades.  I’ve been blessed enough to get the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s off from work.  I have immediate family events and extended family events, but typically skip all work parties.  I have to drive the entire distance from my home city to my family’s small towns and there is no guest room available due to hoarding.  Additionally, the weather is very unpredictable and not consistent for the entire drive so I have to check about three locations along the route before I know it’s safe to travel.

The past gift expectations:

The extended-extended family event was an optional gift exchange and cost of the meal.  It was a full day with setup and cleanup as my family generally “hosted” at an external location.  The extended family event was a gift for every member (13 people).  My immediate family (parents and siblings, nieces and nephews = 6+) event was at least 1 gift per person.

While there were no “rules” at the more immediate family gatherings, it was fun to shop for gifts and I wanted to give to see reactions.  However, the gift-giving and gathering was time-consuming, crammed into too small of a space, and difficult to schedule.

The introduction of budgeting:

I don’t know how much others spend on extended family, but overall the spending on others as well as buying for myself on sales was well over $1,000 even when I was a student only working part-time.

It was shocking how small and useless the presents I could buy for others were once I applied a budget.  It took a lot of fun out of the process for me.  Additionally, I’d fill my entire car with presents and worry about having to unload all of it into my parents’ overcrowded living room, even though most of the presents needed to go to other locations.

Most of my family is well off enough that they don’t need gifts and they buy the cheaper things without hesitation, so finding something they would appreciate but wouldn’t buy themselves was challenging.  I know this sounds counter-intuitive but to those who are natural savers, they value the money in the bank more than having things and those cheaper items just fall off the appreciation list.  They all save for items that are far out of my price range.  I just don’t enjoy giving cash as a present as it shows almost no effort in knowing the other person.  I know this isn’t everyone’s view but it just isn’t how I imagine gift-giving to be.

Values and Gifts:

Not everyone sees gifts or monetary value the same, but the general practice in my family has been spending the same amount on the same generational level of the family members.  This is an unwritten and unspoken rule that I simply inferred from the top generation’s application of cash-value gifts.

I would imagine that most families don’t create rules around gift-giving.  Parties often do to try to prevent someone from spending $100 on a gift while another regifts something.  Whether or not we have spoken the rules, we still infer rules over years of seeing the pattern.  The problem with this is that not all family members are at the same stage in their lives or able to afford the same gift-giving.  If someone is doing well, they should be able to spend as much as they want without creating pressure for others. 

There were several years when I was spending more on healthcare than I really could afford, so I made handmade gifts.  Even though no one said anything negative, it took a lot of time and was ultimately stressful in a different way.

Time vs Gifts:

Since most of these relationships are hours away across state lines, gifting time is limited.  I can’t do much to deepen each relationship during such a limited time.  I also can’t guarantee that I could spend time with them later on in the year, so now what?

A gift that shows you understand what the person is into, helps create confirmation that the gifter understands you, but not in a way that regular communication does.  Setting up a monthly online game session would be the easiest way to connect with cousins.  Cross-generations you need other connections.  For my sister who lives closer to our cousins it would make sense to buy zoo tickets for a date to meet up at the zoo or season passes as a commitment that they may do it often.

Another option is looking for a common interest experience that they could share even if it’s not at the same time.  If you’re taking guitar lessons and so is a cousin or aunt, you can record tracks to share, or have a virtual jam session.

Extending their interests by contributing toward more lessons would be a great way to show support.

If someone’s into cooking classes and you can get together with them to share what they’ve learned or learn with them in a class, that’s great too.

As I’m a Quality Time love language person, all of these ideas are very appealing to me.  However, none of my family knows the town I’m in well enough to predict what I’d want or have thought to look around.  I’d looked into getting gift certificates for the local theater in my aunt’s family’s town but I couldn’t buy them all entrance and unless I knew they were willing to pay to go it would be a waste.

Perception about gift giving:

I think too many of us use Christmas to make up for putting off spending our own money on frivolous things that we want but can’t justify buying.  That typically means that we’ve built up expectations of getting at least something on our wish list that we’ve been wanting since we first saw it.  Then when gifts fall short, we’re let down.

I’m working this year to change my perception of gifts.  I enjoy being surprised so I need to not have expectations of getting anything that I’ve been craving getting but couldn’t justify.  I also need to accept my financial limits with gift-giving.  I’ve been enjoying supporting small businesses with more generalized gift ideas and splitting my amount into two smaller gifts. 

Additionally, I’ve been combining family gifts so I can get them something that they can have fun with but isn’t completely justifiable to purchase.  For instance, for the small family of four with high schoolers, I bought them a mystery game that may not be something that can ever be played again, but I’m confident they will get at least one night of fun out of it and we could all play it at the family event.

I think it’s important to accept other people’s price limits as well.  Give options that vary from lottery tickets and candy up to $50 gifts.  Make some theme ideas such as favorites as well.  Also, open your mind to funny gifts or one-use-only gifts.  No one is obligated to keep it.  Just enjoy it.  Build some memories.

After Christmas:

Over the last few years, I’ve been coming home and over New Year’s I’ll put my gifts in place and share photos of them in use on Facebook so those family members can see I’ve appreciated their gifts.

If you’re still looking for some gift ideas for the organizing lovers in your family, check out my recommended organizing products.