Holidays can be stressful for many reasons. When all we wanted was to be merry and bright, the last thing we need is to be stressed out through the holidays. This article includes some ideas to reduce stress and create connection this holiday.
After I acquired a brain injury I’d found holidays would bring me to tears. The larger the gathering the greater the crying. I couldn’t understand it. It was Christmas! What I learned was that my brain could no longer process the full day of noise, lights, and especially people talking over each other.
The thing I’ve found most interesting about brain injuries is how early and dramatic the reaction to stress is. An entire day of computer screens and I would be unable to look people in the eyes afterward. I used to get energy from people but now I must get away regularly. Not just people but also lights and noise.
After a long Christmas celebration with my extended family, I sobbed uncontrollably and silently in the backseat of my parents’ car as we drove back to their home where I would be crammed into whatever space could be fought loose. I didn’t have a headache. I wasn’t sad. It was pure overwhelm.
For those of us who travel too far to return at the end of the day it’s especially difficult to find ways to recharge. Traveling via multiple modes of transportation or driving across state lines starts and ends the season in exhaustion.
Ways to reduce holiday stress through managing expectations
In the years since this incident I’ve worked to find ways to reduce the negative impact the holidays have on me. The first element was to declutter my expectations. Most of us shouldn’t be spending so much money on ourselves or others during the holidays.
If you’re one of the 70% of Americans that can’t afford a $1000 emergency, then you really need to avoid getting suckered into the Black Friday deals that have now started at Halloween.
The holidays are about connection. The gift giving aspect is one possible expression of connection. It can be a highly effective expression, but it can also become an expectation that gets no credit in a relationship. Many people get caught up in keeping score or equating the quality of the relationship by the money spent, but if you’ve never heard of The Five Love Languages then it’s time to get onboard.
Communicating and disappearing to do something for myself throughout each day helps tremendously. Listening to music in a dark room or getting out for a drive can help ease the stress of being around so many people. As it turns out, no one has minded allowing me this when I communicated what was going on and what I needed.
The difference between cost vs value
My windowed grandmother is a perfect example of someone who requires some out of the box thinking. She is a true minimalist and not particularly sentiment. She’s also very difficult to read. We would give her store bought gifts and there would be no indication that they meant anything.
I crocheted towel toppers and she tried to tell me they were “too precious to use” and tried to give them back. I can’t conceive what that could mean except to blatantly tell me to “never do that again”.
They weren’t my best work, but really….most people would re-gift it or donate later, not try to give it back when I saw her again later. I’ve intended to give her things that would not last forever that could be used up or consumed. Clearly the wrong tactic. She also declared she would rather get a written note on scrap paper than to know we spent good money on a card.
Create Connection with Gifts Given
So I switched tactics. Her hearing has gone so it’s nearly impossible to have conversations. However, she’s exchanged hand-written letters and even daily calls with family near and far all her life. A lady of extreme pragmatism, she has also declared that she’s “ready to go” because “life doesn’t surprise” her anymore. I won’t pretend to be able to decode these messages.
With all these observations together it seemed that an advent calendar with notes and little surprises might be the best gift for her. She’s also a rare individual that would follow the rule and only open one at a time. However, if she cheated it would be just for her! I even told her so.
We had a tiny mishap with a non-consumable melted snowman being mistaken for candy but otherwise the gift did go over well. It was a lot of work as I made up all the boxes origami style to fit inside a Japanese candy tin. However, I was able to complete it in a week’s worth of evenings and a weekend.
The calendar contains typed and enlarged letters with photos for readability and candies. The days are mixed around so it requires a bit of searching. There was also some whimsical items such as the melted snowman in the photo below.
What I believe made this gift a success was:
- The anticipation
- The surprises and variety
- I let her into my life in a way that she can’t see for herself
- It took care and thought about what she’d appreciate
- Everything was consumable or disposable
- It was about us (not about me or her individually)
Ideas to Create Connection
For the extended family, we use Amazon gift lists and it gets mixed reviews. The men in the family especially feel disconnected and less enthusiastic about people picking off a wish list. My uncle had a great reaction when I picked a gift with the favorite sports team of my uncle that happened to need a replacement.
It was more serendipitous than it was thoughtful. Last year I received a gift that he clearly picked out. It was apparent he had payed attention to things my mother had said about my house and home buying experience. I appreciated the relevance to my life and style preferences.
Giving or turning burdens into gifts
There are many people who are naturally or have become Acts of Service people by their own disabilities. My other grandmother is visibly both joyed and burdened when she receives another trinket as a gift. It’s because of how things become a representation of the relationship. She can’t part with them. Ever.
In the past years, I’ve given things that have just ended up being a new project for the Acts of Service people. Sometimes it was the right project but more often than not I see the same things undone years later. It’s not a judgement against them, but it does suggest the gift really wasn’t right.
This year for some of them I’ll be focusing more on doing something for them. It’s harder when I get less time with them. Since I’m a quality time person, it’s never the right move for me to take some of that precious time and do anything other than spend time with them.
If the beginning story didn’t give it away, as much as I wish I could spend every moment with my loved ones…it’s not good for me. I’m going to try to use the tasks as an opportunity to get my space. Since I live farther away, and this year requires more isolation, I’ve incorporated tasks that could be done virtually.
Delivery and presentation
There’s a lot of focus on “Joy” in the holidays which adds a lot of pressure. Regardless of your religion, the focus of the season this year is connection. It may take extra creativity for us to find connection and socially distance, but people have been incredibly creative this year. Put some of that creativity to use. Think ahead about how to present your gifts whatever they may be. Perhaps you will have Amazon gift wrap and ship directly or maybe you’ll send someone a kindle book. Historically shipping is overwhelmed during the holidays so use some creativity to avoid overburdening or late deliveries as well.
Hopefully this article helps you find ideas to reduce holiday stress and create connection in your life this season.
